HE DOES NOT TREAT US AS OUR SINS DESERVE
I’m not gonna repeat the whole content of the website here, but I do want to point out a few key highlights for you and encourage you to read the synopsis for yourself!
Perhaps one of the hardest things for me to get into my heart spiritually is that God not only loves me, but likes me as well. A lot of the time I find that when I repeat a sin that I’ve committed a thousand times before, I question initially whether or not I am really forgiven, first of all, and second of all, whether God is exhasperated and fed up with me and is sick and tired of putting up with me.
Sometimes I am tempted to think things like, “how many more times do I have before He will give up on me and leave me to my sin?” That is a fear of mine. Even though I know it’s not true, and that God says He will never leave or forsake us who belong to him, I, in my own guilt and shame, have a hard time getting over that. Honestly, I don’t know that I truly believe, 100% in my heart, that He won’t reject me. I am always reminded of when Jesus said that during the end times there would be many that, when presented before the Judgment seat of Christ, would say to him, “Lord, Lord, didn’t we prophesy in your name? perform miracles in your name?, (etc)…” but that Jesus would reject them and say, “Get away from me you evil doers, I never knew you!” That is my ultimate fear that He would say that to me, and I would find that my whole faith and life was a farce. I know Satan wants to bring me down with thoughts like these, and for the most part I do reject those thoughts with truth and knowing in my heart that I do truly love God, love Jesus, and try to follow Him. It’s just hard sometimes.
It’s the whole remorse vs. repentance. You can have remorse without repentance, but you can’t have repentance without remorse. The fact that I still have sins that I struggle with repeatedly, makes me question whether or not I really have repented at all, and therefore, whether or not I am really forgiven of those sins. What if I die still struggling with those sins? Will I be rejected because of it? Or will I be saved, but just not recieve as much blessings in heaven b/c of it? Those are things I question. I know I have been remorseful of those sins, I have had numerous crying sessions on my bedroom floor, laying out prostrate crying out to him for mercy and forgiveness… only to give in the next time the temptation presents itself. Only now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t have crying sessions anymore, I just say a silent prayer of “I’m really sorry I messed up again, please forgive me” and move on. Sometimes I’m lucky if I do that, and find that I try to play the “run away” game with God and see how long I can put off my confession before finally getting to a breaking point. My soul has gone past the point of being able to wretch itself open again and again every time I mess up, so it’s like it has this calloused covering to protect itself from the spiritual and emotional pain of the process of remorse.
This is exactly why I have posts on here about God being really angry with me and being harsh with me about my sin, and posts about him stooping down and brushing my hair and picking me up again. Two starkly different (yet somewhat similar) views of Him in the aftermath of my rebellion. I’m not sure which one is more true. I think it’s more a little bit of both.
I believe that God is greater than my fears, I know He is. I’m confident that I will be delivered, saved in the end because I truly honestly believe in Jesus as my Savior, have accepted him in my heart and really do desire/try to live for Him everyday and follow his commands. I know my salvation is not based on what I do or don’t do. It’s not about whether I will go to heaven or hell, it’s more about the depth and level of my relationship with Him and whether or not I will make him proud in the end. I feel I owe Him A LOT (which I do) considering where I’ve come from to where I am today, and I don’t want to disapoint him. I don’t want to have to stand before Him at the end of my life and find that my life was filled with missed opportunities and bad behaviors to where I lost my testimony that He gave me to share.
I also feel, sometimes that my testimony is too much to bear and so I drag my feet at it and don’t always give it my all. I am not an extrovert, I am an introvert and having a service dog puts you in the spotlight wherever you go. I have to make myself be assertive, make myself be talkative, make myself be patient with people’s ignorance. It’s not easy, it’s hard, and it makes it harder that I am not an outgoing talkative personality type. Yet this is still a lot better than the alternative, which is nurses. So the odds are in favor of the dog, logically, yet it puts my comfort/sense of ease at constant odds. I feel guilty that I don’t jump at every opportunity like I feel I should. God has used my testimony to help others and I feel in my heart that this is part of His plan, to have me share my story. Yet when sharing my story means having all eyes on me and being in the spotlight, I wanna run. I want to hide. It doesn’t feel right or natural. I want to cry sometimes even, it feels so uncomfortable and wrong. That’s because, like I said, I’m an introvert. I’ve learned how to handle it better, to more or less, “act” an extrovert for the sake of the conversation or other person, but inside I am cringing and want to get it over as fast and soon as possible.
One thing that gives me hope is that I know God is working in me and I can see how I have grown over the years. I’m not the same woman I was five years ago… and I hope to have grown even more five years from now.
featherisms 